Monday, February 20, 2017

no shame

At the beginning of January I met this lady that I will be in pretty regular contact with over the next couple of months. When we first met, we introduced ourselves and we told each other about our lives. She went first.
Her life is full of adventure. Fun, adrenaline-pumping, travel around the world, spontaneous, flying by the seat of her pants stuff. She is a little older, not married, and from what she said, lives a pretty cool life. It sounded awesome.
Then, it was my turn. I gushed about Kade and how he is the best best ever, how we just bought a house, how I'm still a student, and we live in Provo, and we're having a baby!! 
Her next question to me was, "How old are you?" I told her I was 23 and the whole atmosphere changed instantly. She became pretty disengaged and slightly standoffish and almost like she was looking down at me. 
I was shocked. Thinking about it for a little, I realized that she may have reacted that way because my life is your pretty average, Utah, mormon girl life. I got married relatively young (22), we've only been married for a year and a half and we're already having kids, and we bought a house in Provo, UT of all places... And that just didn't go with her style. She made it clear that she wanted nothing like the lifestyle I had. It was too cookie cutter and she wanted to be different and fun and definitely not tied down in anyway. 
After she reacted that way, the rest of the meeting was just weird. I started to feel kind of embarrassed about my life and the fact that I was young and married and pregnant. I felt the need to justify my everything in my life. "We bought a house in Provo because it's close to family... and we don't know where we want to end up yet..." "Kade is a little older than I am and so we thought we should start having kids..." You get the idea. 
I came home and was pretty down because of the interaction and I was a little bummed that my life wasn't more exciting or spontaneous like hers. I thought about all the things we wouldn't be able to do soon because we'll have a small human, how we're kind of tied down, and that we're a boring couple. 
I let myself throw a pity party for a minute and then I was like... 


Before my meeting with this lady I was beyond stoked about my life. I was stoked to be married and having a baby, I was stoked to have our own house, and I thought my life pretty dang amazing. 
Why did what this lady thought of me have to change my opinion about all of that??
Comparison is a real witch I tell ya.
After I ran through all of that in my head, I seriously wanted to cry. I was so ashamed of myself for being ashamed of my life!! I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. My life is beautiful! And it's MINE. 
So what if it doesn't conform to her standards? So what if we can't drop everything to travel across the world tomorrow? So what if we're pretty average? Her opinion is NOT important. Her opinion should NOT effect the way I live my life. 
I am proud to be a wife. I am proud to be a soon-to-be-mom and I want everyone to know that gosh dangit!! 
I felt the need to apologize to Kade... So I did and I apologized to the baby and to my house and to myself and basically everything I was ashamed of. And vowed to never do that again. 
My life is imperfectly awesome just the way it is.


  1. Montana! Wendell Bruner here. Stumbled across your blog and wanted to see what you have been up to since your mission life up here. I read this post about your life and was so, so happy to discover all the good things you are and represent! Kathy and I are so happy for you and Kade to become parents! Best blessing ever. You go girl and keep on being proud of who you are and what you are doing! You can never be ashamed of living a Christ centered life. Thank you for your service in Kirkland! You left it better than when you came! Best wishes and blessings to you all!

  2. You live a pretty exciting life if you ask me! You do travel! And you're adventurous and you're beautiful and kind and I admire you in so many ways. I'm a big fan of you and your awesome non cookie cutter life.

  3. The one to be envious of a life is...her. Chad and I have traveled extensively and not one place we have seen, or person we have met, has even come close to bringing us joy like our children and our gospel have brought us. No home, vacation, career or experience can match the humans in your family. That is the real adventure. That is the real joy. I wish I could have had more children. You get such a short moment in time with them before they are off building their own families. The blessings and joy and memories that remain you get to keep for eternity and then it's back to you and your soulmate and no words can even describe how miraculous that is. What a great life we have being in families and knowing what we know. No matter where or how great or how humble the circumstances that surrounds you...You have it all. Good for you for figuring that out in under 60 seconds!

  4. This is Sue Lamoree. Ditto to everything said above, sister Brian. I traveled the world and married later in life. Nothing is as fulfilling as living the gospel and raising a family. Everything else is just fillers until the good stuff comes along. You're a great example. We miss you.

  5. I'm proud to be your aunt. And thank you for the reminder to not compare. It's so dangerous. And lastly, thank you for being an example to me. You are an amazing human being.