no shame

At the beginning of January I met this lady that I will be in pretty regular contact with over the next couple of months. When we first met, we introduced ourselves and we told each other about our lives. She went first.

Her life is full of adventure. Fun, adrenaline-pumping, travel around the world, spontaneous, flying by the seat of her pants stuff. She is a little older, not married, and from what she said, lives a pretty cool life. It sounded awesome.

Then, it was my turn. I gushed about Kade and how he is the best best ever, how we just bought a house, how I'm still a student, and we live in Provo, and we're having a baby!! 

Her next question to me was, "How old are you?" I told her I was 23 and the whole atmosphere changed instantly. She became pretty disengaged and slightly standoffish and almost like she was looking down at me. 

I was shocked. Thinking about it for a little, I realized that she may have reacted that way because my life is your pretty average, Utah, mormon girl life. I got married relatively young (22), we've only been married for a year and a half and we're already having kids, and we bought a house in Provo, UT of all places... And that just didn't go with her style. She made it clear that she wanted nothing like the lifestyle I had. It was too cookie cutter and she wanted to be different and fun and definitely not tied down in anyway. 

After she reacted that way, the rest of the meeting was just weird. I started to feel kind of embarrassed about my life and the fact that I was young and married and pregnant. I felt the need to justify my everything in my life. "We bought a house in Provo because it's close to family... and we don't know where we want to end up yet..." "Kade is a little older than I am and so we thought we should start having kids..." You get the idea. 

I came home and was pretty down because of the interaction and I was a little bummed that my life wasn't more exciting or spontaneous like hers. I thought about all the things we wouldn't be able to do soon because we'll have a small human, how we're kind of tied down, and that we're a boring couple. 

I let myself throw a pity party for a minute and then I was like... 

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Before my meeting with this lady I was beyond stoked about my life. I was stoked to be married and having a baby, I was stoked to have our own house, and I thought my life pretty dang amazing. 

Why did what this lady thought of me have to change my opinion about all of that??

Comparison is a real witch I tell ya.

After I ran through all of that in my head, I seriously wanted to cry. I was so ashamed of myself for being ashamed of my life!! I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. My life is beautiful! And it's MINE. 

So what if it doesn't conform to her standards? So what if we can't drop everything to travel across the world tomorrow? So what if we're pretty average? Her opinion is NOT important. Her opinion should NOT effect the way I live my life. 

I am proud to be a wife. I am proud to be a soon-to-be-mom and I want everyone to know that gosh dangit!! 

I felt the need to apologize to Kade... So I did and I apologized to the baby and to my house and to myself and basically everything I was ashamed of. And vowed to never do that again. 

My life is imperfectly awesome just the way it is.

no shame

At the beginning of January I met this lady that I will be in pretty regular contact with over the next couple of months. When we first met, we introduced ourselves and we told each other about our lives. She went first.

Her life is full of adventure. Fun, adrenaline-pumping, travel around the world, spontaneous, flying by the seat of her pants stuff. She is a little older, not married, and from what she said, lives a pretty cool life. It sounded awesome.

Then, it was my turn. I gushed about Kade and how he is the best best ever, how we just bought a house, how I'm still a student, and we live in Provo, and we're having a baby!! 

Her next question to me was, "How old are you?" I told her I was 23 and the whole atmosphere changed instantly. She became pretty disengaged and slightly standoffish and almost like she was looking down at me. 

I was shocked. Thinking about it for a little, I realized that she may have reacted that way because my life is your pretty average, Utah, mormon girl life. I got married relatively young (22), we've only been married for a year and a half and we're already having kids, and we bought a house in Provo, UT of all places... And that just didn't go with her style. She made it clear that she wanted nothing like the lifestyle I had. It was too cookie cutter and she wanted to be different and fun and definitely not tied down in anyway. 

After she reacted that way, the rest of the meeting was just weird. I started to feel kind of embarrassed about my life and the fact that I was young and married and pregnant. I felt the need to justify my everything in my life. "We bought a house in Provo because it's close to family... and we don't know where we want to end up yet..." "Kade is a little older than I am and so we thought we should start having kids..." You get the idea. 

I came home and was pretty down because of the interaction and I was a little bummed that my life wasn't more exciting or spontaneous like hers. I thought about all the things we wouldn't be able to do soon because we'll have a small human, how we're kind of tied down, and that we're a boring couple. 

I let myself throw a pity party for a minute and then I was like... 

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Before my meeting with this lady I was beyond stoked about my life. I was stoked to be married and having a baby, I was stoked to have our own house, and I thought my life pretty dang amazing. 

Why did what this lady thought of me have to change my opinion about all of that??

Comparison is a real witch I tell ya.

After I ran through all of that in my head, I seriously wanted to cry. I was so ashamed of myself for being ashamed of my life!! I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. My life is beautiful! And it's MINE. 

So what if it doesn't conform to her standards? So what if we can't drop everything to travel across the world tomorrow? So what if we're pretty average? Her opinion is NOT important. Her opinion should NOT effect the way I live my life. 

I am proud to be a wife. I am proud to be a soon-to-be-mom and I want everyone to know that gosh dangit!! 

I felt the need to apologize to Kade... So I did and I apologized to the baby and to my house and to myself and basically everything I was ashamed of. And vowed to never do that again. 

My life is imperfectly awesome just the way it is.

oh baby!

K, let's pretend my long break never happened. At least that's what I'm going to do....

So, to the present. WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!! There's a bomb for ya.

We found out on October 12th. I hadn't been feeling 100% and Kade suggested I get a pregnancy test. I thought he was crazy! I had been off of birth control for a couple of months by this point and we loosely agreed to start trying but we didn't try very hard for very long! Apparently we are the people that just get pregnant really fast!! Haha. We are very grateful for that, btw.


I felt so bizarre buying this!! 


The faintest of lines haha. But I was assured by the packaging that it doesn't matter how faint it is, it still counts!! 


Maybe not my best look. But also maybe not the worst I've looked this pregnancy... Post-gym, sweaty, no made up face and a lovely backdrop of my parent's garage haha. But, it was still a pretty darn happy moment. 

Here's a quick recap of my pregnancy so far:

1st Trimester - felt okay. That's pretty much it. I got a little nauseous when I woke up and would get that way if I didn't eat at really regular intervals. I'm talking like eating every 2 hours on the dot here... I didn't really like food though, it was more of a chore to eat than anything else. Nothing ever sounded good and smells were never that pleasant for me. Mostly I just wanted someone to make me food. And figure out what I wanted to eat. Because I sure didn't know. Only on occasion I would get cravings. Like, intense-gotta-eat-this-right-now-or-I'm-going-to-die type of cravings but that didn't really happen all that often. The most memorable cravings were potatoes and cream cheese. Not necessarily together, but if they came that way I probably wasn't mad.
For the most part, I was able to do everything I normally did and was just fine! I didn't throw up once and still haven't to this day! (knock on wood) I felt bloated a lot too but basically, I experienced pretty average pregnancy symptoms and they were on the mildest of mild side of the spectrum. Again, SO grateful! #blessed


Here is the first picture of our little peanut! It was the best, best thing ever being able to hear a strong heartbeat. 

2nd trimester - here we are! I turned a corner at about 12 weeks and have felt great since then. No more nausea!! I still eat a lot but that really isn't anything new haha.
We told everyone that we were expecting on Christmas. At that point, I was 15 weeks. We went to Fetal Fotos to find out the gender before we told our families. We just wanted to tell them everything all at once. We are having a BOY!!! Call me crazy but from the second we found out we were pregnant, I totally had this feeling it was a boy. Momtuition? Hunch? Luck? No idea. But it worked out in my favor! Haha.






We had our 20 week appointment and got to look at all of baby boy's body parts. He is healthy and developing just perfectly! That was music to my ears. Leading up to this appointment I was soooo nervous and anxious! Thankfully I had nothing to worry about. At the appointment, the kid was moving a ridiculous amount! If we tried to get a picture of his face he would roll and hide it. When we tried to get a picture of his spine he rolled again. He was so wiggly the whole time! My mom heart just about exploded. It was the cutest thing ever.


This is his freakin' adorable profile! And his hand by his face. By the looks of it, we've got a future thumbsucker on our hands.


Obviously those are his feet. Ah. Reeeeaaaally though. I just can't even!!

I'm currently 23 weeks and feeling pretty stellar. (That's almost 6 months for those who hate counting pregnancies in weeks. I used to be one of those people. It's fine. Really. I get it.) I am out of the stage of looking like I just ate a ton and am overly bloated and my belly is looking more like a pregnant one. Praises! It's weird but I love it. Baby is moving and kicking like crazy. Sometimes it kinda actually hurts! Like when he kicks my kidneys or intestines or whatever else is in there. Most of the time he just sits on my bladder though. So, that's nice.
But, I've been able to keep working out, food tastes good again, I sleep like a baby, my nails are the best they've ever been and I'm diggin this pregnancy thing. The only real thing that may be kind of inconvenient is that I get tired a lot. Most days I nap. But, I don't think napping is bad. In fact, I like it and I like that I have an excuse to do it every day. So, still winning.




Shiz is getting real. Noticeable even under a sweatshirt! 

And there ya have it! Pregnancy according to me, thus far. It's been pretty dang awesome and I'm feeling eeeeextra grateful.

*I feel the need to say that I am seriously so incredible grateful to have had such an easy pregnancy and to be able to have a baby at all. My heart goes out to anyone struggling with any of those things. I am so lucky and count my blessings everyday.

oh baby!

K, let's pretend my long break never happened. At least that's what I'm going to do....

So, to the present. WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!! There's a bomb for ya.

We found out on October 12th. I hadn't been feeling 100% and Kade suggested I get a pregnancy test. I thought he was crazy! I had been off of birth control for a couple of months by this point and we loosely agreed to start trying but we didn't try very hard for very long! Apparently we are the people that just get pregnant really fast!! Haha. We are very grateful for that, btw.


I felt so bizarre buying this!! 


The faintest of lines haha. But I was assured by the packaging that it doesn't matter how faint it is, it still counts!! 


Maybe not my best look. But also maybe not the worst I've looked this pregnancy... Post-gym, sweaty, no made up face and a lovely backdrop of my parent's garage haha. But, it was still a pretty darn happy moment. 

Here's a quick recap of my pregnancy so far:

1st Trimester - felt okay. That's pretty much it. I got a little nauseous when I woke up and would get that way if I didn't eat at really regular intervals. I'm talking like eating every 2 hours on the dot here... I didn't really like food though, it was more of a chore to eat than anything else. Nothing ever sounded good and smells were never that pleasant for me. Mostly I just wanted someone to make me food. And figure out what I wanted to eat. Because I sure didn't know. Only on occasion I would get cravings. Like, intense-gotta-eat-this-right-now-or-I'm-going-to-die type of cravings but that didn't really happen all that often. The most memorable cravings were potatoes and cream cheese. Not necessarily together, but if they came that way I probably wasn't mad.
For the most part, I was able to do everything I normally did and was just fine! I didn't throw up once and still haven't to this day! (knock on wood) I felt bloated a lot too but basically, I experienced pretty average pregnancy symptoms and they were on the mildest of mild side of the spectrum. Again, SO grateful! #blessed


Here is the first picture of our little peanut! It was the best, best thing ever being able to hear a strong heartbeat. 

2nd trimester - here we are! I turned a corner at about 12 weeks and have felt great since then. No more nausea!! I still eat a lot but that really isn't anything new haha.
We told everyone that we were expecting on Christmas. At that point, I was 15 weeks. We went to Fetal Fotos to find out the gender before we told our families. We just wanted to tell them everything all at once. We are having a BOY!!! Call me crazy but from the second we found out we were pregnant, I totally had this feeling it was a boy. Momtuition? Hunch? Luck? No idea. But it worked out in my favor! Haha.






We had our 20 week appointment and got to look at all of baby boy's body parts. He is healthy and developing just perfectly! That was music to my ears. Leading up to this appointment I was soooo nervous and anxious! Thankfully I had nothing to worry about. At the appointment, the kid was moving a ridiculous amount! If we tried to get a picture of his face he would roll and hide it. When we tried to get a picture of his spine he rolled again. He was so wiggly the whole time! My mom heart just about exploded. It was the cutest thing ever.


This is his freakin' adorable profile! And his hand by his face. By the looks of it, we've got a future thumbsucker on our hands.


Obviously those are his feet. Ah. Reeeeaaaally though. I just can't even!!

I'm currently 23 weeks and feeling pretty stellar. (That's almost 6 months for those who hate counting pregnancies in weeks. I used to be one of those people. It's fine. Really. I get it.) I am out of the stage of looking like I just ate a ton and am overly bloated and my belly is looking more like a pregnant one. Praises! It's weird but I love it. Baby is moving and kicking like crazy. Sometimes it kinda actually hurts! Like when he kicks my kidneys or intestines or whatever else is in there. Most of the time he just sits on my bladder though. So, that's nice.
But, I've been able to keep working out, food tastes good again, I sleep like a baby, my nails are the best they've ever been and I'm diggin this pregnancy thing. The only real thing that may be kind of inconvenient is that I get tired a lot. Most days I nap. But, I don't think napping is bad. In fact, I like it and I like that I have an excuse to do it every day. So, still winning.




Shiz is getting real. Noticeable even under a sweatshirt! 

And there ya have it! Pregnancy according to me, thus far. It's been pretty dang awesome and I'm feeling eeeeextra grateful.

*I feel the need to say that I am seriously so incredible grateful to have had such an easy pregnancy and to be able to have a baby at all. My heart goes out to anyone struggling with any of those things. I am so lucky and count my blessings everyday.

Paintballing

This past weekend we got invited to go paintballing with some friends.

Confession time. I've never in my whole life been paintballing. 

Kade was so disappointed! Hahaha. 

I really had no interest in doing it to be honest... This time or any other time. I heard it hurts when you get hit and you get massive welts. Not interested. 

After much asking and prodding, and a huge, fluffy, man-sized down coat being brought out, I somehow got roped into it.

I had no idea what to expect!! I really was so nervous. Sweaty palms, shaky knees, the whole bit. Plus, I was playing with 15 guys who were really into this stuff. I mean, reeeeaally into this stuff. 

We played in a forest and the second they shouted GO and I ran through the trees SO fast to the biggest one and hid behind it. I don't even think I shot the gun once. But hey! I didn't get hit! 

After that I started warming up and using the gun and running around and shooting and stuff. I felt so cool.

I only lasted a couple rounds. I was melting in that huge coat. I wanted to play more but there was absolutely no way I was going without that thing. 

I only got hit one time and it skimmed the sleeve of the coat so I really actually never got hit. It was awesome. 

 Here is the big coat of awesome. I give this guy 2 big thumbs up.

Just looking all hardcore and stuff. 

Aaaaand then totally killing the hardcore vibe. Haha!

In all of these pictures I was totally smiling and then trying to have a straight face and look all cool and then after looking at them I realized you can't even see our faces. Hahahaha *face palm*. 

After the experience I had, I'd definitely play paintball again. Assuming the big, man coat gets to come with, of course. 

We went "upcountry" to play and have our little bonfire. It is unreal up there. I wish pictures would do it justice but they just don't!! 

It is incredible. 

And cold. It was super nice to put on actual shoes (with socks!!!) and wear jeans.

Our weenie roastin', mallow toasting view.

Hooray for paintballing, not getting hit while paintballing, pretty sunsets, and marshmallows! 

Halloween

Halloween this year was kind of different. Besides the fact that we weren't home... I didn't get to eat my mom's uhhhmazeballs donuts (that's 3 years in a row!!!! It's a crime!), we didn't have any trick-or-treaters, aaaand we were in bed by 10. 

It felt so bizarre. 

We're lame. We didn't even buy candy for trick-or-treaters because we didn't expect any. Which ended up being a good thing because, like I said, we didn't have a one! 

We went to the ABC Store at like 9:30 because I was dying for a Reese's Peanut Buttercup (HAHA) and we didn't have any so we walked down our street and there wasn't a soul in sight! It was so dead! 

That was so strange to me because at home the party is still going all hours of the night ya know? 

Anywayyyyyy.... 

Instead of dressing up on actual Halloween, we dressed up for our ward's trunk or treat. 

This was the result of a last minute Target run. 

The pizza is a children's small and was the last one... But I think it turned out alright...

We got pretty into it when we were figuring out our trunk though. We made a pretty legit oven! Complete with actual Pizza Hut pizza boxes!! That we were totally willing to pay for! Hahaha oh geez. The nice filippino lady gave them to us for free btw.

This is pretty much the only picture we took with it... So you can't even see the detail or the blood and tears on our display! 

Just kidding.

It did look pretty legit, though.

Our carved pineapples turned pretty swell too! 

I'm a total fan of that. They're a tad more challenging to carve (read way mega sticky and messy) but they looked so cool! 

Don't worry, we made sure to carve them at someone else's house. ;)  

They smelled so good!

Just to keep it traditional we did carve our pumpkin from the patch. But I liked the pineapple way better.

Bummer is, they rotted so fast (darn humidity) that we had to throw them away like 3 days after we carved them.

Actual Halloween ended up being a pretty laid back night, which I wasn't mad about. And there was no sugar hangover the next day!

Slightly bummed about that....

Hope your Halloween was as cheesy as ours! :)

HAHA.

All things health...

This post has been in the works for a long time now. But never made it to the written out phase. For a number of reasons.

1. My thoughts on this are kiiiiind of all over the place. I have like, a million on this subject.
2. Because of #1, all of my thoughts don't really have a point.
3. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea and thinking I have a bad self image and am fishing for compliments or am hypocritical or anything weird like that.

But, for whatever reason, I've felt a nudge to write about this so I'm going with it! Hopefully I find a point to all of this somewhere along the road haha.

Anyone that knows me knows that I like to exercise and eat healthy. It's my "thing" you could say.

Exercise has never been an issue for me. I started doing it daily in jr. high and pretty much haven't stopped since. I was hardcore dedicated to it even on my mission.
It sure wasn't pretty but I did it?

I ran competitively in high school and college and ran for fun on my mission and after and then I got into weight lifting and I really liked that and I like spin classes and I like yoga aaand you get the point. I super like working out. It's a total priority for me.

It's like therapy, ya know?

I feel more confident when I exercise. Shallow, I know. But really.

And I guess it's good because you hear all the time that you should exercise because it's good for your body.

So that's nice. Put a nice little checky mark next to that.

Then, we come to food. There is a saying floating around that abs are made in the kitchen. Do I believe it?

Yeah, I sort of actually do. When I eat good, healthy, and nutritious foods I've noticed that my body looks better. They make me feel better too so that's a plus.

But here is the dilemma that I face on the daily.

Do I restrict myself so I can have a rockin' bod, OR, do I say life's too short, OR, do I walk the scary line of balance?

This kills me.

I WANT my body to perform at tip-top shape, I WANT to be confident and feel good with how I look, I WANT to have a six pack, but I also WANT ice cream...or tacos.

This pretty much sums up my life.

I'm just over here trying to find balance. 

IT'S HARD. 

Don't get me wrong, I really do love healthy foods. They are usually what I gravitate towards too. But sometimes, man... sometimes a girl just wants an ice cream cone or a shiz ton of peanut butter. Ya feel me??

But, despite my insanely crazy and really strong cravings, I've tried to be better about listening to my body and deciding what it really needs. Do I reeeeeally need that cookie or am I just bored or am I actually hungry?

Sometimes I decide I don't need it and will eat something else and sometimes I eat the dang cookie. 

And it's good. And I enjoy it. 

Aaaaaand sometimes I go overboard and eat 5 cookies... Hahaha. 

Like I said, I'm working on the whole balance thing. 

I'm really just trying to be the healthiest I can for MY body while also not letting the good stuff in life pass by. 

I am a firm believer that our bodies are a gift and we are SO lucky to have them. And you only get one, so you should probs take care of it. 

So that's what I try to do.

But, on this rollercoaster of health, I've come to realize that health looks different on everyone. What works for me won't work for her and what works for her won't work for that girl over there and it's a very personalized thing. 

Like, some people can eat whatever they want and never gain a pound (lucky b's), and some can't go within 5 feet of a cupcake or they will gain 10 pounds.

One of my favorite people on Insta (@haleya_fit_happens) posted this a while ago and I think it says it best. 

I absolutely agree.

Btw, if anyone needs someone suuuuper motivating and incredibly fit to follow?? She's your girl. I did her 12 week program and it is muy, muy bueno. 

She also posted this.

She's awesome.

For now I'm going to stop worrying about the size of my thighs, how many calories are in that, what other people think of me and just eat healthy, exercise, and be happy. 

Phew.

I'm not really sure if I ever got to a point here... But, I got a few of my thoughts out. 

That's what blogs are for right??? Haha. 

So I guess if anyone needs me... I'll just be doing my Kayla workout rewarding myself by eating a cookie after :)